Digressive Ramblings

I am not okay today. I am allowed to not be okay. Please stop trying to silence me and tell me it will be okay. I am allowed to feel like things are horrible and you don't get to take my voice away. Why am I not okay? Because yesterday my country told me that they want a sexual assaulter to represent them. By electing this man I re-live that horrible night in 2004 when my voice was taken away. Every time the soon to-be leader of my country speaks I am going to re-live that moment, because when I see that man; I see the man that assaulted me and tried to take my voice away. When I see my country's future leader I have to re-live all the shame, blame and trauma that I fought to pull myself through. I re-live the panic attacks and the breakdowns and the fear.  So no, it will not be okay. **I** am not okay today, and it may take a long time for me to be okay. I want all my friends to understand my anger and hurt are NOT because my candidate lost. It's because that man wo...

So the other week on Facebook I alluded to being a small part in a very wonderful thing. Now that I've taken some time to mull over it I think I can share a bit of my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I get really down on the world. I think people are just selfish, unfeeling and cold. That no one cares much about anyone outside of their immediate small circle. I feel like I see it daily in the news, on Facebook and all around me. It breaks my heart. The other day I was reminded that I was wrong. Thank goodness. To be honest (which if I can't be honest on my blog where the heck can I be) I have been incredibly depressed these last few months we've been in China. I'm lonely, (love ya Chad, but I'm an extrovert) I've been sick almost constantly and I just want to leave. I have been thinking about how the $760 plane change ticket might be worth it. A year is a long time to spend in a random Chinese town. Anyway, right at the depths of the depression someone name...

I am a very empathetic person. That sounds like a weird brag, "I am great at really feeling bad/sad/mad/happy for people", but I really am. I hate the idea that we can't brag about what we are good at in our society. I say this, but I also make fun of Chad when he brags about being super smart... I'm also a hypocrite. But, really when I make fun of Chad I will admit it is because I am 100% jealous. Maybe like 110%. I have never dated a guy I considered smarter than me till Chad. (Sorry any exes out there reading this... but really why are you reading my blog you creep? I don't do friendly breakups so you are straight up trespassing on my life right now.) Alright now that they're gone- back to me... So empathy. One of the ways I have learned to increase my empathy is to imagine myself in their shoes. Sounds easy right? Well I am an emotional roller coaster of a human so when I get in other people's shoes I get really upset if people aren't trea...

Sometimes I really think I care too much. It's a burden. Let's be honest we all have a friend on Facebook who we roll our eyes at when they post something about their pet thing. Maybe we get angry they post something AGAIN, maybe we laugh because they're posting something else. Maybe we just roll our eyes and unfollow them. I worry I am that person in all my friend's feed. My pet subject? Feminism.  I really wish I didn't care so much. I think life would be so much easier. Sometimes I get so jealous of my apathetic friends. The ones who just don't see the injustice or just don't care.  Sometimes it spews out past the general feminism issues into what (I hate that it is called this) some call "humanist" issues. When I see people being marginalized; I care. When I see people deciding to vilify someone because of their beliefs; I care. When I see someone post almost ANYTHING from Mr. X's blog; oh boy I care. (But really because his entire...

So our branch in church does this thing where there is an RS newsletter. It's so we feel more connected since there are many of us that live in a city by ourselves. I never really wanted to contribute to them, I don't know why, but since I visit teach the woman who is in charge of the newsletter when she asked me to write something I couldn't really say no. She asked me to write on the topic of what I am truly grateful for. While writing it I thought this would be a good thing to post on my blog since I haven't updated it in forever. So here it is! What I am truly grateful for:  One of the biggest struggles I have is that I suffer from depression; both seasonal and, at times, a mildly crippling case of just general depression. It can get to be very overwhelming for me and leads me to retreat from life sometimes. So one thing I am truly thankful for is the friendships I have made with my family members and with friends I have made all around the world. The hardest...

Hi my name is Michelle and I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and dieting and the small amount of fat that resides on my mid section. There is something empowering and depressing about this all at once. It's empowering because I recognize it and I can sometimes remember it and control my brain, but it's depressing because I'm sure it's something that will only be fixed by therapy and time and I don't want to put in the work. Also, as a MO it's really one of the few vices I get... and really there are worse vices. As some of you know I was in the running to be on a infomercial. With it came food delivered to my door (no eating out of the box!) and 6 day a week, butt kicking bootcamp classes. The food was pretty yummy (although left me very hungry) and I really enjoyed the bootcamp after the first week of being so sore I could barely move. But then things started going wrong. First, it was HARD to stay on track when people around me were e...

So as I ride the train and read I start thinking about the stories I would put in my book so I started making a list. So to hold me accountable for writing them at some point I will now give you the list of topics I want to write on...   Dating in general Worst date in HS  Worst date in college  Worst date ever  Best date in HS  Best date in college  Best date ever  Childhood  First memory  Worst nightmare  Best day  Scariest thing  The day I found out I was chubby  High School  Day I realized I should just embrace me and not worry  My group of friends  How to decide what college to attend College  The beautiful butterfly  learning to love myself  My roommates  working in Logan UT  The internship politicking  Graduation Lost love Adult life First job Law school dreams and destroyed Botched Interview ...

This will most likely be a whiny post, so before I begin I want to say I am thankful that I have a steady paycheck that allows me to support the love of my life while he goes to school. I have an adorable dog who makes me smile and really compared to some life is just fine. That's my issue though... it's just fine. I'm sitting here completely demotivated... I absolutely hate my job... like more than I can express in words, but I think if anyone I worked with at Disney could see me and how I work now they would think someone body swapped me. I am always late, I just can't get out of bed to get here on time. I give the bare minimum; I didn't use to but you get so sick of hearing no and I'll consider it or I'll let someone know and then nothing happens. I'm rarely smiling, I let deadlines slip without caring. WHO AM I???? The number of times my Manager has flat out lied to my face is actually shocking- no pause no nervous look, but a flat out lie. It make...

In college I use to always make sure I checked Post Secret everyday. I loved it; the site made me laugh, cry and feel. I related to posts or I felt blessed because I did not relate. But then, over time I checked it less and less frequently- I missed it sometimes, the secrets were always interesting to me, but life got busy and usually when I thought of the site it was at all the inopportune times when I couldn't visit the site for a variety of reasons. But now that I'm at a job that isn't busy and usually the resources I need to do my job are almost always broken I have a lot of free time to browse the web. This has brought me back to Post Secret and I've found something has changed. I don't love it anymore and I don't know why. Is it Post Secret? I don't think so- why would the format change? Why would the secrets change? So I guess that means I have. But how have I changed? I don't think I've ever been too angsty as a teen or during my col...

Here's the essay I had to write for a job I was offered but turned down for my current job. It made sense- it was less pay and worse hours (overnight shift and graveyard) but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I took this one instead... Anyway the question (in case you don't pick it up by the intro sentence) was what are you most proud of and why? As I have contemplated what I'm most proud of, it was quite difficult to pinpoint one singular thing. I just could not decide. Then finally it dawned on me, I'm most proud of me! I have done many things with my life that I'm proud of. I have moved across the country on a whim, based on a promising internship, knowing no one, something I had never done before. I have moved, but it was always with someone else. I always had a safety net to my adventures, but this time I didn't know a soul. During that internship I learned a lot about myself that I'm proud of. I learned how to be independent, that it...

Do not read this unless you have read this .... he's one of my musings that was perhaps meant for an intro... Everyone thinks that the worst thing in life is being picked last in gym class, but as a few of us can attest to it's not. The kids picked last- those are your Steve Jobs and Egdar Allen Poes of the world. They failed so significantly at gym (I assume) because they were destined for greatness. They were the first picks of the science and art worlds.They had promise. No the worst is being picked about 6th from the last. You're the best of the worst. The two uber jocks the teacher picked to captain the teams finally make their way to the end of the picking and you're still up there looking around and thinking, "seriously you'd rather her? The girl whose asthma prohibits her from moving quicker than a slow walk?" See being the best of the worst means you still care. I would stand there in the gym and think "I'm going to save the day in ...

I, along with probably everyone else, have always toyed with the idea of writing a book. So at different points in my life I have written small parts and bits and pieces of what my book would be about. Would it be about my dating shenanigans? Would it just be the story of a random slightly above average person's life? How about all the crazy dreams I've had (BORING)? Anyway, I thought maybe I would start sharing my excerpts on my blog because really, I don't have time to sit down and write an entire book, I just write snippets of thoughts while I'm on the subway in the notes app on my phone. So enjoy, and if you are an awesome book publisher and want to pay me to quit my job and write a whole book then leave a comment. I get email notifications for comments and I check my email obsessively so you'll hear back from me in no time.

I considered posting something about this subject earlier when it was first announced at general conference but I found so many other posts that expressed my feelings much more eloquently than I ever could. I thought that would suffice, but as I stand here on the subway trying to swallow the tears that just want to come, while I read President Monson's announcement, I realize I need to share. Do I know if this revelation had come a decade before if I would serve? No. I don't know if that would have been my path, but my hear breaks a bit that I never got the chance to decide. At 19 I was full of life and a sincere desire to understand the gospel. It's not that I lack that desire now, but some of my life experiences have ruined my child like faith a bit. I keep thinking what if. What if I went on a mission at 19? I know one of the worst things that ever happened to me would not be part of my past because I never would have been in Florida. On that note though, if I...

Tonight was a first for me! I am about 95% sure I saw a dead body tonight. Here's the story... I was walking to a grocery store today, the one that gives you 10% off on Wednesday nights and I passed a parked car. What was odd about this was that there was a lady in the passenger seat and she looked like she was passed out, but the car door was open. There was a bit of commotion around the car, but I didn't pay it much attention because I was on 125th, and if you have been to NYC you'll know that 125th is quite the commotion of a street. Lots of people, cars, loud noises, people milling around etc. So it didn't really register as anything to me. THEN after I passed the car I started thinking about the woman and how remarkably still she was. I was very impressed that she could sleep so soundly with the noise of the street, then I started to wonder if she was okay. I briefly considered calling 911 and having the police check on her, but there were a lot of people wal...

THE RULES: 1. Post these rules 2. Post 11 random things about yourself 3. Answer the questions provided by the one who tagged you 4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag 5. Tag 11 people 11 Random Things About Me! 1.I get really upset if I get all dolled up for something and I don't think enough people have seen me. 2. I actually have pretty bad performance anxiety. RIGHT before I have to give a talk/ make a presentation/ start an interview (as interviewer or interviewee)/ star in a roadshow(once)/ meet with a large group of people I get so insanely nervous and my heart pounds and my ears turn HOT and I am frozen in terror. You would NEVER know it once I get started though.  3. I will never be the sweet perfect mormon housewife. I am slowly coming to terms with that being okay 4. I have no idea who I want to be President right now, but I know who I definitely DON'T want 5. I HATE mushrooms, like HATE. I think they are the grossest things ever. 6. I wish ...

Man oh man have women been in the press lately. And of course I have opinions. I don't know why this blog has turned into my political sounding board, but it has. Sorry if you're apathetic. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD TODAY? I don't swear, so my blog doesn't swear... I would never think I was a die hard feminist. Someday, I want to have kids and be a stay at home mom. I love that idea.  However, I don't think what I want is right for everyone and that everyone else should want that too. I think women should have just as much power as men when it comes to making their own decisions. I will tell you that the stay at home mom thing is COMPLETELY my decision. If I wanted to work full time, get a graduate degree, do anything I want, I know Chad would support me 100%. I am not oppressed. I made this decision.  I think everyone has the right to decide. I think that is what is upsetting me the most. I feel like there has been a lot of craziness happenin...

I really want to emphasis that this is 100% my opinion and I do not represent anyone at all when I make this opinion, but as a student of history and an outspoken feminist Mormon I thought I would compile my opinion on the matter... do what you want with it. It seems there has been a lot to do with the embarrassing history of black members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS for short). A lot of it has been kicked up by The Washington Post article about this topic. A lot of people were up in arms about what Bro. Bott said in this article. I'm not going to address his thoughts, I'm sure it's been addressed elsewhere. I'm going to address the sentiment of the time and perhaps put the whole controversy in context. In 1830 the LDS church was established in upstate New York. In1804 all the Northern states (states north of the Mason-Dixon line) had passed laws to abolish slavery gradually. Congress in 1807 banned the international slave trade. Slaver...

This will be a political RANT, feel free to ignore if you don't care what I think and what makes me angry, politics wise.  I hate the primaires this year. Like more than any other year. It has been so annoying and here's why: I have a bunch of facebook friends that are Ron Paul disciples. I say disciples because they aren't supporters. They are people who believe he is the savior of the American government. They truly believe that the US is right at the point of crumbling a la ancient greek and roman governments and that Ron Paul is going to be able to prevent that if he's president. They don't believe he can't win... which brings me to my next point. A lot of people have been saying this year that electability doesn't matter. I don't know where they get that idea. If they all think Obama is the worst president ever (more on that) then their goal should be to present a candidate that the general population would feel good about, one that would be a...

I don't know if I'm okay with it. It was NOT mutual. And I don't think Pinterest is fully rejecting me either. It's a shaky break at best. The other day I wanted to post something on Pinterest and I can't get into my account. :( I have sent 2 emails to them and have not heard back. It's quite devastating. So right now, I'm going to use my blog as my Pinterest till I get it back: I think I could make these.... be awesome when I someday have a baby... unless it takes after it's Dad and is exceptionally hairy out of the womb I just like this quote. Infographic as a Holiday Card... such a cute idea Visiting Morocco is on my bucket list Himalayan Trek- yes please Stay in a castle! I want this bag. I'm obsessed with Maldives- Anantara Dhigu I still have Pinterest access on my phone, which is why I don't think it's completely over yet... I really do hope they take me back. It's a bit of an obsession, and I ...

Hello friends, Something has been weighing on my mind quite a bit and I thought maybe just writing it out would help. Since this is a personal thought, it’s on my blog, not the one Chad and I have.  I am going to start out this post by saying that any rude comments will be deleted . I write this here because I need advice, if you have any. I am not writing this to get others involved and wish no ill will to the offenders, but I’ve been upset for too long and I carry it around too much and it consumes me. I don’t want it to consume me anymore, but I don’t know how to stop it. I am having a hard time forgiving two people in my life right now and I don’t know how to get over the hump. Because I don’t want to offend or drag anyone into my bias you’re only going to get basic fact: Friend 1- said something very hurtful to me, which really struck a cord because it was hypocritical and cutting. There was very little base to it besides the gossip of others....