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Extensive mildew on the face of a recluse

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I've been thinking about death lately. Not in a morbid way but in a more curious way. It's more where is my life going to go? When is it my time to leave? Will I have made something of my life by then? I've always been the sickly kid in my family, in fact as I'm typing this I'm laying on the couch cuz I've been sick for the past 2 days. I've always had this odd suspicion that I wasn't meant to grow super old. Just sometimes it makes me wonder about the path my life has taken and what I've done with it.

Ever wonder what happened to the person you use to be? Do you ever feel like as you grow up you lose parts of you, that you didn't want to lose? I mean I'm really happy to be rid of the crippling insecurity and the worry that I'll never be attractive to anyone. But time has worn me down a bit. I'm not as optimistic and I use to be and I'm just tired now. I use to be able to function on 4 hours of sleep and diet coke, now if I don't get my 8 I just am not sure what to do with myself. I guess you can just say that I'm growing up, but sometimes I just am not sure if that's what I want to do...

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charles said…
Growing up is the phrase used when you have no real answers for what has happened or is going to happen in your life. I find it just so obligatory. And I feel that it is somewhat of a mockery.
But, I know what you are referring to when you ask if we ever wonder where we are going, or will you have made something of your life when that day comes to move on to the afterlife. I wonder about this quit often, but what I have come to terms with is that it is not what you have done with your life, it is more of whose life have I affected and how.
See, I generally base my happiness on the joy and elation that others feel when I am a part of it. And some may say that then I will never know true happiness for myself, but I feel genuine when I say that I am happy when you are happy.
Although I don't really wonder about the person I used to be, I do however miss all of the adventures that person, inside me, used to endure. I believe that that "person" is still inside of us all, but we have adapted to the new life we lead. You do not need to have a midlife crisis to enjoy those things from the past, yet you only need to find one joy from old and apply it in your present existence.
So my recommendation is to find a song, movie, game, place, or thought that has and will always bring you joy and just let it happen. Watch it, read it, listen to it, or think it.
Life is too short to dwell, yet we must use our past to shape our future.
Smile, it will bring someone else to smile also. Even if for only a moment.
December 6, 2008 at 11:25 AM
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