Friday, April 5, 2013

Do you ever look at your life and think how did I get here?

This will most likely be a whiny post, so before I begin I want to say I am thankful that I have a steady paycheck that allows me to support the love of my life while he goes to school. I have an adorable dog who makes me smile and really compared to some life is just fine. That's my issue though... it's just fine. I'm sitting here completely demotivated... I absolutely hate my job... like more than I can express in words, but I think if anyone I worked with at Disney could see me and how I work now they would think someone body swapped me. I am always late, I just can't get out of bed to get here on time. I give the bare minimum; I didn't use to but you get so sick of hearing no and I'll consider it or I'll let someone know and then nothing happens. I'm rarely smiling, I let deadlines slip without caring. WHO AM I???? The number of times my Manager has flat out lied to my face is actually shocking- no pause no nervous look, but a flat out lie. It makes me so uncomfortable that she is so comfortable with it. I just can't respect her on a basic level... we won't even get into the fact that she's been promoted way past her level of competence or that Nespresso just moves people around instead of firing them when they don't do their job well... It's just been difficult for me because I just wonder why I'm still here, that's the hard thing. I have now turned down 3 jobs because of this one... and I know it was the right thing to do, at least it felt right, but why does the "right thing" make me so incredibly miserable? I know there is an end in sight. I made Chad promise that I get to quit soon. That we need to do something new and exciting... and odds are we'll be leaving New York to do that anyway... but that seems so far away right now. I guess it's good to know that I'm pretty certain I'm ready for a career change unless a great project comes along. But what? I have gone through so many different ideas and plans... I just wish I knew where life was trying to push me....

Monday, April 1, 2013

Things do not change; we change.

In college I use to always make sure I checked Post Secret everyday. I loved it; the site made me laugh, cry and feel. I related to posts or I felt blessed because I did not relate.

But then, over time I checked it less and less frequently- I missed it sometimes, the secrets were always interesting to me, but life got busy and usually when I thought of the site it was at all the inopportune times when I couldn't visit the site for a variety of reasons.

But now that I'm at a job that isn't busy and usually the resources I need to do my job are almost always broken I have a lot of free time to browse the web. This has brought me back to Post Secret and I've found something has changed.

I don't love it anymore and I don't know why. Is it Post Secret? I don't think so- why would the format change? Why would the secrets change? So I guess that means I have.

But how have I changed? I don't think I've ever been too angsty as a teen or during my college years.A quick google search tells me angsty people have "the feeling of not being understood by anyone and that the person is alone in the world." That's not me... I thought my life was unique in how all lives are, but not that unique that no one would understand what it's like.

So as I sit here I wonder, what changed? Why don't I relate... and I realized it's because I'm married.

It KILLS me to admit that. I hate that I've changed because I've gotten married, but it makes sense. I mean, like a typical mormon girl (see) I was anxious about marriage. It's taught to be such an important part of your life... and it is don't get me wrong, but I wonder if I would be a different girl today if people encouraged me to do more than get myself married, that for some reason I wasn't a complete person because I was single. But, because I was the way I was I was constantly worried about finding someone to love me- that I loved back. It's a hard dance and like everything else I think if you set your mind on it, something you cannot really control*, it eludes you. If you make it your reason for being- it won't happen... you'll just waste your time.

My little feminist self hates that marriage changed me. Why should it? But it did... and it did because my priorities changed. Marriage forces you to not be so selfish... when you're a college grad with a good job and you're single... you can become very selfish, it's a tough transition. 

Other things that changed for me: how you interact with the opposite sex- that has been weird for me. I've always been friends with guys, and didn't realize it but physically affectionate with guys... now it's weird to hug, touch during a convo, interact with guys

Work: before I got married I didn't mind long hours, late nights and working like crazy. 1. it was something to do and 2. it was something I was good at. Now I'm ready to sprint out of the office at the exact moment I can. I mean why be at work when I can be with the hubs? I have been told this will change and I won't care as much as time goes on, but we're getting close to 2 years and I still get grumpy if I'm at work late/ have to leave him.

Validation: This one has been hard for me. I use to find a lot of validation in interactions I've had with males. If they hit on me, flirt with me, compliment me. Guess what, that doesn't happen as much when you're married especially since my favorite going out buddy has a matching ring on his finger.

Socially: I am still social, but now for me if I spend time once a week with friends I'm pretty happy with my social level. Before I wanted s
tuff to do on most nights and an action packed event filled schedule each weekend. As I said before this is suppose to change, but right now there is only one person with whom I want to socialize with daily and I can do that at home.

I can go on and on, but this is a bit of a thought dump as it.

I guess my synopsis is I've changed. It's hard to admit it to myself but my marriage has changed me. I'm still Michelle says dumb things, talks way too much, laughs too loud and too much, spaz Dittman, but tacking a McCombs to the end of that has also made me Michelle I'd rather be at home with the hubby then out and about, find my own validation, doesn't work as hard McCombs.

*Okay I know some of you think you can control it- but it's not like I went on dates in sweat pants and didn't talk to boys... I tried to always appear put together and I was a flirting monster so really what more could I control... in the end it was the guy's choice