I have no internal monologue

Well, the thing is I do... but my friend once told me that I need a better filter. I decided that would be something I would like to work on, so I did. Now for the most part I think it's a good thing I did work on this. For example, a few months ago I was on an elevator with some orange stripes, for those of you who don't speak Disney, that means Director or above. So these are the people that can very easily fire me and who I need to suck up to at all costs. One of them said something and I wanted to say "that's what she said" so very badly, but lucky for me my filter said, "NOT a good idea Michelle". But there are other times in my life where I wish I could say exactly what I'm thinking, things like

You look so silly right now, some trends aren't meant for you
Why do you have to be gay?
It's been a year since YOU ended it- instead of getting mad, fight for me- you'll probably win
Why don't you just kiss me?
stop complaining... no one cares anymore
Why do you have it out for me?
Just enjoy it, it's not going to last
Seriously, you're not happy are you?

The thing is though, you can't say stuff like that and be a good member of society... but really why is that? Why is lying and burrying it deep inside you and not telling the truth the way we should function? I can think of so many aspects of my life where being honest would save a lot of people a lot of trouble... dating is a huge one that comes to mind.

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big changes and realizations

So Chad got into Columbia... and only Columbia so come end of August we will both be living in New York (hopefully the city and not a suburb...) I'm excited/nervous/scared/happy/proud/stressed/in awe/ every other emotion you could possibly feel. But today it all finally felt so real. I don't know why it was today... I don't know why it didn't happen when trying on dresses or tasting cake or any of the wedding planning. What made it real was talking to Chad's sister and saying "we". WE are moving to New York, WE are apartment hunting, WE aren't going to be around for Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving etc. WE are going to be in a huge city with a million people, but it's going to be just us 2 as we start building OUR life together. WOW. I'm excited.

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The Rules of Dieting

Hi my name is Michelle and I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and dieting and the small amount of fat that resides on my mid section. There is something empowering and depressing about this all at once. It's empowering because I recognize it and I can sometimes remember it and control my brain, but it's depressing because I'm sure it's something that will only be fixed by therapy and time and I don't want to put in the work. Also, as a MO it's really one of the few vices I get... and really there are worse vices. As some of you know I was in the running to be on a infomercial. With it came food delivered to my door (no eating out of the box!) and 6 day a week, butt kicking bootcamp classes. The food was pretty yummy (although left me very hungry) and I really enjoyed the bootcamp after the first week of being so sore I could barely move. But then things started going wrong. First, it was HARD to stay on track when people around me were e...

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I'm THAT girl... ugh

So in November, before Chad and I ever talked about getting married (but I might have been thinking about it) a friend of his approached him and asked if he would be the Waterfront Director at a Boy Scout Camp this summer. So he said yes thinking it was his last summer to do something like this. So now he's off in the wood of Utah this week for training. Which I am hating. Why? Because he's off in the woods without cell phone service for the entire week and so I have become that girl that is bummed and cried, yes cried, at the airport this morning. So lame. Chad keeps trying to tell me this is just practice for when he's at the camp and will be gone for a month without cell phone service. I don't even want to think about that. It makes me so depressed... the only nice thing is it's the month before the wedding so I can just throw my all into the final prep for that and pack and stuff... In order to stay busy this week I've set up a bunch of appointments a...

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