Digressive Ramblings

Hello friends, Something has been weighing on my mind quite a bit and I thought maybe just writing it out would help. Since this is a personal thought, it’s on my blog, not the one Chad and I have.  I am going to start out this post by saying that any rude comments will be deleted . I write this here because I need advice, if you have any. I am not writing this to get others involved and wish no ill will to the offenders, but I’ve been upset for too long and I carry it around too much and it consumes me. I don’t want it to consume me anymore, but I don’t know how to stop it. I am having a hard time forgiving two people in my life right now and I don’t know how to get over the hump. Because I don’t want to offend or drag anyone into my bias you’re only going to get basic fact: Friend 1- said something very hurtful to me, which really struck a cord because it was hypocritical and cutting. There was very little base to it besides the gossip of others....

So I haven't blogged in a bit.... Sorry! I've been so busy. I got married and it was AWESOME!!! I highly recommend it :) okay enough smug married talk here... We went on our honeymoon to the Dominican Republic, came home, loaded almost everything we own into a Ubox, Uhaul's POD service, put the rest of it in our luggage and flew out to New York a few days later. It was a whirlwind adventure to say the least, and once we're finall unpacked and living I'll post pictures. We are in New York right now, living on a futon and eating off paper plates ( thank you Bruggemans!) until our stuff gets here. It has been pretty fantastic so far... But I'm ready to find a job and make money instead of spending it and being settled in. Anyway, I'll be keeping this blog still as my own personal blog for my own randomness, but Chad and I are going to blog together at newlywedsinnewyork.blogspot.com so check that one more and follow it and whatnot.

So Chad is off in the woods, and has been for the past 24 so days. Can I explain just how over it I am? I don't like that I'm making all the final decisions without his input for the wedding. I don't like that he was not here to cuddle me when I was puking everything I ate for 24 hours. I don't like that he's not here to stop me from meddling in other people's lives. I don't like that when I have a nightmare I can't call him and have him talk me back to sleep. I don't like that when I can't sleep he isn't around to talk me to sleep. I don't like not having him with me when I go out to dinner, or a movie, or a friend's house. I don't like that I never hear from him.  I don't like that he's not around to be with me, cuddle me, hug me, laugh with me, talk with me. UGH It is a very good thing he comes home this weekend because I'm just so over him being gone. OKAY WHINING OVER. In 2 weeks exactly I will be exiting...

The quick answer is I don't know. I just got a bit of blogging fatigue I think. Here's a quick rundown of my life in the last little bit: ~Photographer DRAMA ~Horrible co-worker saying bad things about me ~Found a place to live in New York... but without Batman :( ~Chad is away at camp... and I miss him a ton ~Less than a month till my wedding! ~lost some weight ~got my hair all dyed for the wedding and it looks AMAZING (that's what the picture is of) ~my dress is looking like a dress now :) ~July's Saturdays: drop Chad off at camp, bridal shower, bridal shower/ cover band, baby shower/ pick Chad up, Wedding stuff! ~NOTHING new in terms of jobs... so annoyed ~Sleeping has been lame... as in I can't do it ~Massage tonight... yes!

Hey Mormon friends (and those friends who want to raise their daughters with a more rigid moral code), You should read this.... " Why Standards Night is Substandard ".  I agree with the author... I think that the young women of the Church are sometimes given the short end of a stick and aren't communicated to properly. Some of my favorite excepts include: "A question welled in my throat, one that my neighbor might balk at. I asked it anyway. "Would you say Amy has power in her life?" She looked uneasy, and I didn't blame her. Power is not a commodity we associate with Mormon girls and women. To our ears the very concept of power sounds worldly and corrupt, unless we're talking about priesthood power, which we qualify as exclusively masculine. But I wasn't talking about priesthood power, and I wasn't talking about the steel-fisted power of a political dictator or corporate mogul, either. I tried to explain. "What I mean is,...

This is my life. It might look like it's better than it is... I mean I only have 77 things to go and I've done 111- that's so good.... but then if you take a closer look it's a bit more crazy. First 51 days.... that's so stinking close sounding it makes me crazy. Second, everything in the pink/peach color... that means they're overdue- they should be done already. And some of those things like pick up invitations and ceremony (as in ring ceremony) haven't been done and they need to be.Third, some of the to do's that are already checked off are things like "think about what you want your colors to be", "decide on your colors", think about... etc. Also, a lot didn't apply to a Mormon wedding so I just checked those right off too. Blah.

I was that kid that always asked when I would need to use the math I was learning in the real world. I detested the sample problems in the text book called "real life application" because in High School I knew I would never be going into Engineering nor would my job be to find the optimal viewing location of a theater screen. So I asked what I would need the math for. After being a working professional for about 5 years I now know what math I need in my life and what was important for me to learn... please note that the math I HATED the most (negatives) is no where on this list. Simple math- addition, subtraction, division, multiplication... if you can't do these basic functions it's just embarrassing. Learn how to do big numbers quickly, without your fingers and without a calculator. People will be impressed if you quickly tell them that 305+874 is 1179. Quick Fraction to Percentage change- and visa versa. Your math teacher did you a favor if when you see .25 y...

Chad and I have a LA bucket list since we're leaving this area soon. So this past weekend we wanted to cross a bunch of stuff off the list, so we did the following: Getty Villa Paradise Cove Aquarium of the Pacific Hiked to behind the Hollywood sign Ran into the ocean at sunset Cafe Rio for dinner I had pictures to share but for some reason they will not orient the right way and I'm too annoyed to fix it. It was such a great weekend and I wish I could have a 3 day weekend every week. I'm much more productive in my personal life. Now off to the woods for the Hansen (Chad's mom) family reunion... 4 days of awkward family time... yay!

but if you did... sorry if this offends... I don't mean to offend, more just ask for tolerance... Dear Mormon friends, As a highly mocked and persecuted religion do you really think it is wise to mock the people who thought the rapture was this past weekend? You have a lot in common. Devotion to your beliefs, persecution for your beliefs, a general belief in a Savior, namely Jesus Christ and some beliefs that others outside the religion think are very silly, but you hold firm to. That's all I'm saying.... let's put a check on the mockery and be a bit better than the people that mock what you believe. I say this in love, Michelle also this isn't for the random, rapture is coming funny joke people...  I'm seeing some serious mocking out there... that's not right.

I, like most I'm sure, check out the PostSecret blog every week. This postcard to the left was posted this week. It's one of the most interesting post secrets I've read. I have the fun QR Reader app so I scanned those codes to see what it linked to. This one links to a text message that says, "You are beautiful". I really liked that. I was sitting here feeling fat and bloated and then I saw that, scanned it and smiled. I am beautiful. I am also lucky, blessed, happy, loved etc.  This was a nice reminder. Then I went to go to the URL so I could link the image here... the page name was heartbreaking. It said that on the back of the post card it read, "I don't believe this anymore". It made me think of a talk a friend of mine gave at an EFY I worked at. She talked about self-worth and self-esteem. A lot of people think it goes hand in hand, that they are, in fact, one in the same. This is not the case and I think that's where the world fails...

So in November, before Chad and I ever talked about getting married (but I might have been thinking about it) a friend of his approached him and asked if he would be the Waterfront Director at a Boy Scout Camp this summer. So he said yes thinking it was his last summer to do something like this. So now he's off in the wood of Utah this week for training. Which I am hating. Why? Because he's off in the woods without cell phone service for the entire week and so I have become that girl that is bummed and cried, yes cried, at the airport this morning. So lame. Chad keeps trying to tell me this is just practice for when he's at the camp and will be gone for a month without cell phone service. I don't even want to think about that. It makes me so depressed... the only nice thing is it's the month before the wedding so I can just throw my all into the final prep for that and pack and stuff... In order to stay busy this week I've set up a bunch of appointments a...

So Chad got into Columbia... and only Columbia so come end of August we will both be living in New York (hopefully the city and not a suburb...) I'm excited/nervous/scared/happy/proud/stressed/in awe/ every other emotion you could possibly feel. But today it all finally felt so real. I don't know why it was today... I don't know why it didn't happen when trying on dresses or tasting cake or any of the wedding planning. What made it real was talking to Chad's sister and saying "we". WE are moving to New York, WE are apartment hunting, WE aren't going to be around for Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving etc. WE are going to be in a huge city with a million people, but it's going to be just us 2 as we start building OUR life together. WOW. I'm excited.

which you can find here BRIAN THIS GUY, where did he go???

My last two posts were snarky. I don't agree with what a random person said in my comments, but I do know that I accidentally offended/ hurt a family member of mine due to the rash nature of my typing in one of those posts and that's what lead me to delete it.I'm famous for not clearly explaining my thoughts... you would think that when I have the option to go back and read I would do a better job at articulating. but I guess that isn't the case. I'm not concerned about random internet trolls and what they think of me but I do care about my family. I'm sorry.

UGH the last little bit has been HARD! Last night I went to use the bathroom before I started driving home. As usual I took my ring off to wash my hands. I do this because the ring is slightly large for me so if my hand gets wet my ring slides right off my finger. Anyway, I was having a bad day and I spaced and just left WITHOUT MY RING! I left work right around 5:50 and by the time I realized at 6:15 I called a co worker who was still at work and it wasn't in the bathroom anymore. I immediately emailed the biggest company distribution list I knew of letting them all know I left it and please help me get it back. NO RESPONSE! I was a MESS. I couldn't stop crying and feeling horrible. Chad was sooo good about it- he was so sweet reassuring me that it was just a ring and that we can get a new one if needed and that it's not a big deal. That it doesn't mean we're not going to get married or that we're not engaged anymore- that it's just a missing ring. But ...

Okay I'm done after this, but this is an amazing piece of art I have as my background on my phone that I wanted to share. It's called: Sometimes the Spirit Touches Us Through Our Weaknesses James Christensen

We just set up our cake tasting/ order build out appointment. I got a sweet Groupon for a custom made 4 tier cake that serves around 150 people so I bought it and now I have an appointment for 90 minutes of cake tasting deliciousness! yay! I already know what I want my cake to look like... like the picture you see right here... but flowers in my colors of course :) And in case you didn't know from the picture (which I expect you don't) those are sugar spun flowers and real leaves and vines. I think it's so beautiful and perfect... I can't wait to order it and get it delivered and then eat it at my wedding! Odds are there will be red velvet under all that frosting with cream cheese butter cream frosting on the outside... so it won't be white but ivory is my guess... Oh I'm so excited! Did I mention they do free delivery and setup? Oh and that their Yelp page only says great things and I've already talk to them on the phone and they sound like the nicest ...

I have been feeling very uncreative lately- I don't know what it is, but as evidenced by my blog title I'm kinda lame lately.  So I've been as good at blogging as I have been sticking to my diet. It's so hard to give up carbs. SO hard! So what I decided to do is not kill myself. I'm going to eat a few of Chad's fries when we go out to dinner. I'm going to get a donut at 10pm when I've had a crappy day and I'm not going to stress over it. 90% of diet is still pretty good when I use to just eat carbs and sugar. In wedding news everything is SLOWLY coming together. I have a reception venue, a florist, a photographer... and according to the knot I only have 116 more things to-do, ugh! (72 have been completed though) I can't wait till I have more done then to-do. Anyway, I have some time, 108 days to be exact... I've kinda found my dress. I have a friend that wants to make a dress so what we're going to do is combine my favorite elemen...

I feel like I'm in a weird limbo. I'm in this middle ground right now. I'm waiting to find out where Chad is going to school so I know if I need to find a new job and move. I'm not really single, but I'm not married. Because I'm engaged no one really seems to want to be my friend, but because I'm engaged I don't really feel like I much fit in at the single's ward anymore. This is a very weird time. I don't really know if I can explain it properly. Just like I'm stuck between two worlds... and that I can't plan my transition properly. In other news wedding planning is frustrating and it takes a lot out of me to keep my thoughts, opinions, sassy remarks and brattiness in check while talking to people about it. My diet is rough. I have sugar cravings like crazy. I lost 3 pounds Monday-Thursday but then Friday for dinner I fell off the wagon, hard and then I stayed off till Monday. It's a hard diet to follow when you're not at...

UGH.  My friend warned me that the first week would be tough. Today has been the worst day of the bad week. All I want are the two things I can't have. Sugar and Carbs. I just want to sit down and eat pasta and bread and candy till I explode. Okay past that I'm too busy at work... for now...

1. This blog might quickly turn very wedding and diet focused. For those of you opposed to that I say boo to you... this blog is about my life and that's what my life is right now. I don't think most of you will mind though because you're my good friends so you're interested in that right? Well be warned... those will start tomorrow and will most likely involve it would only happen to Michelle type stories so that's fun. But if you're not into it, I'll make the title clear so you can skip to all the other random stuff I'll post. 2. I am excited. I can't talk about much of it, but remember how much I say I hate my job? Well that might change, I am in the early steps of doing something about the hate. Yay me. Keep me and future in your thoughts/prayers. I just pray that I'll be happy with my job, that the right opportunities will present themselves and that if it's good for me and my future family (Chad) that it will work out. Please do the s...

After literally throwing crasins in my mouth rapid fire I'm finally able to admit that I have a problem. I am addicted to food- it is my vice. I have a friend who is an actual member of FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous) and she has kindly shared with me their rules. Starting Monday I will be living them. Wish me luck, pray for me and give me pep talks because their rules are NO SUGAR NO CARBS. My friend has lost a good amount of weight on this and I plan on being just like her. She said the first week was rough but that it got better. I know it's going to be HELL for me, but I needs to lose weight. Not just for the wedding but for my happiness and sanity. I've gained weight and I see it in pictures and mirrors and how my clothes fit and I need something to help. I am thinking I will blog each day so you all can keep me on track and yell at me if I cave. Meal Plan: Breakfast 6am-8am 8 plain fat free yogurt 1 oz oatmeal 6 oz fruit Lunch 12 and 2 4 protein 6 coo...

So I was taking a Spanish class. It was a challenge for me. I've never been very good at foreign languages, but I thought it would be a valuable life skills. It stressed me out... I didn't have time to devote to studying, the teacher taught it as a refresher course instead of a beginning Spanish class and it was Monday and Wednesday nights which means I left work a bit early and then would spend the rest of my night in class. So as of like 4pm yesterday I had: full time work (away from town 11+ hours a day with commuting), Spanish class, shaky job security, wedding planning, RS activities calling (which might not sound like much but I'm trying to get my committee to help me do more things...), and the possibility that I would need to find a new job and an apartment to live in in a foreign city. Needless to say I was a bit stressed out. I was getting stomachaches (it's called ulcers) and migraines like once a week. That didn't help with the stress level. Also, ...

I've been a bad blogger... but that's because my free time has been engaged  in other activities... Yeah that's right, did you see what I did there? I know you all know already, but I'm engaged!! Yay I'm so excited about it. I'm really so lucky. I never understood how two people met, liked each other, fell in love, wanted to get married and then got married. It was all confusing to me. I never thought the odds were stacked in my favor that it would happen for me.  I wish I could tell my single readers some magical formula so that they too would solve that problem, but all I can say is that it just was easier with Chad. Everything just came easier with him then the rest of my relationships would... does that make sense? Anyway, I'm now working on planning a wedding that will be on.... August 5th, 2011; sealing at 11:30am at the Los Angeles Temple with a dessert reception to follow at TBA in the evening... ahhh let the planning begin. Oh and since...

I get sick... A LOT. I use to just power through it at work and be okay... now I opt to stay home... I think that says something about my job satisfaction, but there you go. Anyway, when I am sick I have a lot of random thoughts to share so here they are: Running: I signed up to do another 5k. This is a scary thing for me because I'm a sprinter. Run .25 miles in 1:25.. no problem, run 3.2 miles in general? Scary. Did I mention I have environmental asthma? SO if we run by a car I will lose like 75% of my lung capacity? blah. Anyway I was going to run every day this week so I could do the 3.2 miles, but I got sick. Awesome. But the nice thing is I'll have a friend running with me! And we get metals. That should keep me running :)  My Job: When the only thing that keeps me wanting to stay at my job is a plastic rectangle that gets me into Disneyland for free I think it's time I start thinking about a new job eh? I mean it's nice and fun, but at the end of the day ...

So I keep starting to write blogs and then I don't finish them. I've been lazy now that my 50 days are over. So what's been on my mind? Lots- here's what I want to share. I've been told that good managers think 6 months out. They think and plan that far out... so right now I should be thinking in terms of September. Here's the problem... There is a 60% chance that I won't be at this job in 6 months so I feel aimless and floundering and I hate that. I am not a patient person, but I'm being forced to be a patient person for the next few months and it's killing me and making me flounder. ugh But, I can't wait for my future to happen :)

Hey there pretty lady, You are pretty amazing. You're good at what you do, you have a boyfriend that thinks you're a babe and the VP of your company likes you. Oh and you're out of bad debt and you almost own your car. You're making it! Your great, don't stress things will keep being good. You deserve it! Love, me

Wow that's heavy huh? Maybe it's heavy because I have a lot of hopes and dreams for the next 365 days and I don't know what I want to share... maybe I'll just be vauge New Location- I love my parents, but I can't be living there much longer Stability- a lot of decisions are being made the next few months that greatly impact my life, that needs to calm down Gainfully employed- I would like to keep my job (lots of layoffs right now around here) or find a better one I'm super serious about my weight loss now. I track what I eat, I work out so I want to lose weight. Is that so much to ask? Love: I'm in love with an amazing person. He's perfect for me. My hope/dream/goal is that I don't screw it up :)

I'm getting sick of these... but ya know I gotta finish... anyway here's a photo of me right now. Cool thing to note is that my sweater was my mom's. Like "her senior yr portrait she's rocking it" use to be my mom's. It's so freaking cool with the buttons, but it's so warm that it doesn't get a lot of action in So Cal.   It's a pretty awkward face because I'm at work and I didn't want someone to come by and be thinking I'm weird for taking a picture.  This picture also tells me I need to keep working on growing my hair... which means I won't be seeing Katie at the salon anytime soon....

Well my birthday is about 6 months away and everything I can think of that I want for my birthday I should have by then... well except my Audi TT convertible and judging my diet for today I won't be the size 8 I want to be, but that's my fault and my lack of willpower... so I guess for my birthday I want willpower or to magically lose about 20 pounds...

My Family- Christmas 2010 a rough left to right is Crespo family, my parents, Craig and Kristy, Eric/Cassie Dittman family then the single folk. I got my business cards- finally! I just love this dress... you can't tell but it's amazing on me... it just needs a little sleeve work to make it modest This was last Wednesday's schedule... yeah no break Okay I know it's lame, but we've been officially dating for almost a year... and unofficially for over a year... so we're in love and at a 50's dinner so we decided to be cute he's mine :) I have a great butt... and a messy room... but more importantly a great butt I don't have a picture of my house... but this is my second home Okay so these aren't the flowers I currently have... but they are similar the non-human love of my life... seriously he's so cute!

Dearest Future Michelle, You're funny. I know life is just starting to turn around right now, but guess what, you're right -- this is your year! You know how you pretty much hate your job and schedule and stuff- it's going to get better. And that silly young boy you're not sure about- it's a good bet and investment. The positive thinking worked. Just stay calm, clinge to your belief that this is your year and good things will happen. Also, the money issues will go away :)  Just try to not indulge in so much food would you? It would make 2011 easier, but no now you're gonna have to to go to the gym all year to fix what you did in 2010.  Keep smiling and trusting, you will do great this year. Things will start looking up! Michelle

I LOVE listening to music. I am almost always listening to music. It's on when I'm in the car and it's on when I'm working. I can't even tell you how many conversations I've missed because someone comes and stands behind me at my desk  (or use to because I've graduated to a front facing desk) and I don't know because I have headphones in and I'm rocking out. That being said, music shapes most of my memories and I've come to find out that it shapes my emotions too much.  Today while at work I was getting very sad and depressed and I realized it's because of this song: I was so sad. Did I mention that I'm currently madly in love with someone, and he loves me back. In fact he told me that he would get his best friend and disappear off the face of the earth and live in the woods if I dumped him- that's how much he loves me. But this song seriously makes me think that he dumped me. (BMF- I still think about Hawaii...) I guess ...

Shy People. haha is that weird to say? I just find them interesting. Here's the thing- I'm not shy, at all. I will say hi to anyone and talk a ton and be the center of attention ALWAYS. I will not only do it, I will thrive in that space. So I do not understand people who are the opposite. They are so very interesting to me and so I'm completely fascinated by them. I just can't believe that there are people out there that don't want to be the center of attention. The funny thing about that is that my younger brother is one of the most shy people I know and I just don't understand it. I just don't get it so I'm fascinated by it. It's such a foreign thing to me.

So I haven't been here... YET but here's my dream. Antigua  And here is my favorite place that I have been to. Hawaii

Ugh I don't really want to highlight these, but here we go-maybe I'll be able to improve them if I tell you all them. I bite my cuticles I check facebook on my phone when I'm with large groups of people When I'm on the phone and not loving the conversation (and I'm not driving) I will start saying " uh huh" and will be playing games on my phone. I drag my feet when I walk

Today I've been moved by this picture . It is a deep insightful picture for so many reasons and has caused me to think some heavy thoughts. 1. Finally there is proof that humanity is inherently good. That might be an odd thing to say, but lately I've been thinking about it and my view of people in this world is dismal. Everyday I see selfish people who are rude and only care about themselves, And  I know some people might say, "Well, of course, Michelle- you live in LA." Don't worry it happened a lot in Utah too. And don't even get me started on the comments on articles. But, it seems like every time I lose hope something like this happens that restores my faith a bit. 2. Sometimes I think that this country needs a good revolution. Before you call the mental hospital, let me explain. I think that it brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the best in people. We need more "best" people showing up. I think that sometimes we all get t...